Am I so selfish to truly believe that if she really loved me she'd just die already?  Let the young live and get on with her long and agonizing death.  Just die already if you love me.  Just let go and let me live my life.

Well, today I put in my two-weeks notice.  I'm really exhausted with work and everything.  I just need to have this time off for Christmas, and my oral surgery, and my grandmother.  Anyways, I'm beginning to become a bit worried about my oral surgery.  All four teeth cut out of my mouth. *sigh*  I better have fucking drugs for this!

I hate my layout.  Ugh!  And I'm too tired to mess with it tonight.

Tonight is going to be pretty good for me.  In a stay at home type of way.  Right now I have to focus on my paper due Monday.  I really hate it!  And then I'm going out to eat with mom at Ruby Tuesday's, since we don't really socialize together much anymore.  Then I'm going to come home, watch the Omen with Nick, get back to my online priorities, and change the layout of my brave journal while doing research.  Lol.  Maybe I'll go out with friends tomorrow.  We'll see.  Work is becoming too much of a hassle and I'm honestly considering quitting.  Ugh I hate school and work.

So today has been rather long and boring.  Today one of my three year olds mom and I had a conversation when she picked her daughter up.  She asked what kind of activities we do in the three year old room.  I honestly had to tell her that usually none.  I usually let them do whatever they want as long as they clean up the room at the end of the day.  I used to let them play with play dough, and I usually let them color and watch movies.  We're usually only in there from 3-4:30.  Anyways, she says her daughter is really smart (not just as a doting mother, her daughter really is smart) and loves to read, loves to do learning activities.  She is a really smart child, and becomes sad when there's no learning, no routine, just random play time.  So here is a rough draft of my thoughts:

3:00 - 3:20 - Color time

3:21 - 3:50 - Story time along with Learning lessons

3:51 - 4:15 - Interactive game such as "Duck Duck Goose" and "Simon Says"

4:15 - 4:25 - Free time

4:25 - 4:30 - Clean up time then leave the classroom. 

Free time will last until 5:00 of course if for whatever reason we need to stay in the room longer.  I believe that the extra activities will help prepare the kids for primary school and preschool, which is always a good thing.  Plus I won't be so bored, we'll all have better relationships and I won't be so mean, and its always good to help kids learn.  After all, I do want to be a teacher.

Other than that I'm researching things for my personal use while preparing for my grandmother's imminent death and trying to keep my grades up.  Aye aye woe is me.  I'm going to go research child development and learning now and talk to Nick.

It seems that no matter what I do, I can never do anything right.  I absolutely hate my family and I'm more than furious with my grandmother.  No matter what I do I'm never good enough.  I'm not how my family wants me to be.  I'm not like the rest of them.  I'm not nice enough, I'm rude, I'm stupid, I'm every other terrible thing. 

My grandmother is dying, yet she could have prevented it.  It didn't have to happen so soon, she could have found the cancer in time, but she didn't.  She didn't go to the doctor enough.  If she would have taken better care of herself, if she would have gone to the doctors in time, she wouldn't be dying right now.  She wouldn't be praying so hard for a miracle to a god that isn't there nor does he care.  My family wouldn't be shattered or crying all the time. 

I wouldn't be so inconvenienced if she had caught it in time.  I wouldn't have to spend so much time away from Nick, or crying, or taking care of (trying to take care of) everyone else, I wouldn't be so worried.  I wouldn't be so heart-broken, I wouldn't be so sad, I wouldn't be so vulnerable, I wouldn't be so dark right now.  She was supposed to be there, she was supposed to be the adult, and she let me down.  She promised she'd be there for everything, and she won't be..she won't be at all.  She lied...she didn't take care of herself and now she'll miss everything.  Its not fair of her.  She shouldn't have made such promises, she shouldn't have been so lazy.

Now, my parents say that I was being rude.  I wanted to go home after about four hours of sadness and church.  I already want to run from it all as it is.  I went to church without a fuss, although it really inconvenienced me, I wanted to be there for my family.  Then we went all over New Albany to get my grandmother chicken from Meijers, but she didn't want it at that point.  We went through so much hassle so she could have chicken, but she already ate.  Its really sad that such a thing set me off, but it did.  She should have called us, we went through so much hassle just to get her what she wanted.  She should have called us.  Thats what got me in this mood, thats what brought me to this stage. 

Everyone is sitting around her, pretending to be happy when they're not.  Everything is so fake...I'm so fake.  Mom is trying to force me to go shopping for funeral clothes since we have the wake and the funeral coming up in a few weeks.  I don't want to go shopping.  I want nothing to do with clothes, not right now, not at this price.  Clothes are the least important thing right now.  My grandmother is dying, someone who has always been such an important person in my life, and my mom is urging me to go SHOPPING  for her funeral because I "don't have any formal clothes".  I hate shopping as it is, I refuse to go shopping because she's dying and I simply have nothing to wear that my mother approves of.  She can go shopping for it, I won't.  I refuse to.  Death is death, and neither I nor death  cares if I go wearing what I am now or jeans and a T-shirt.  Its so juvenile, so fake, so silly, so superficial to go shopping because someone is dying.  I may not even wear black..it depends on what state of mind I am in at that point.  So I got annoyed, apparently made a bitch move, and told my aunt that my mother wants me to go shopping for clothes because my grandmother is dying.  Dad flipped on me later...I'm so rude.

My family ended up asking more questions than I cared to answer regarding Nick.  I love him so much, I do truly and deeply, but I hate all the negative energy I feel pushed towards me when they find out that its a long distance relationship.  I don't want to satisfy their nosiness.  Its none of their concern.  I am not embarrassed of my love, I love him dearly, but I absolutely hated their nosiness and negative energy.  I felt so much judgment from them..I hate that feeling.  I am not the smartest person in the world, but I am smart enough to know all the risks associated with this type of relationship.  I have thought of all the possibilities more than I have cared to.  I know what people feel about it, and that as soon as I tell them what kind of a relationship I'm really in they automatically seem to assume I'm the biggest moron in the world.  I am not the brightest tool in the shed, but I am not stupid either.  I already know everything my family and friends are telling me, they don't need to repeat it, they don't' need to assume that my life is automatically available to their scrutiny simply because we are related.  I refuse to put up with such treatment.  The sad thing is that I rarely bring any of this upon myself..this crap usually gets started when my father or brother, or someone else brings up my life to be scrutinized by others.  I won't take it for much longer.  Soon I will leave, soon I will move away, and then they can forget about me.  My parents have Chase, they love him because he's perfect to them.  They don't need me, and quite frankly I think I'll like Canada much more than I like it here.  Its not like I can't get anyone here..its more like I DON'T want to.  I do not like the kids here at all.  The only person I want lives almost 2,000 miles away, and no matter what any one tells me I will find a way to be with him, even if that means leaving all this behind.  I am far too stubborn and strong-willed to give up on him.  I know him, I'm not as stupid as most other girls who have internet relationships.  I'm just not.  I am not in love with an image, for goddess sake there are so many things he does that drives me absolutely insane, yet I still love him.  I have no illusionary images of him, I know him for who he is, and I still love him.  So point blank, everyone else can just fuck off..sadly that statement goes to most of my family.

I am stubborn, strong-willed, independent, eccentric, unique, intelligent, eclectic, secular, perverted, sexually driven, broken, lost, confused, angry, dark, pagan, hateful, hurt, and scared.  I'm becoming dark again, and I won't stop it..I can't.  This is my dark night, and it can't be stopped.  I am terrible, but I'm human as well, and I'll never be perfect no matter how hard I try.

that I do NOT  want to circumcise my kids!  Lol.
*bows*

Today has proved to be another bad day.  I woke up feeling sick and barely able to breathe.  Although that was pure allergies, I still felt terrible on the inside.  I'm still hurting and I don't think thats going to go away for a long time.  I realize that as all things begin, they also must end.  I realize that death is inevitable, that death must come eventually for all living beings.  For as each life waxes, it so too must wane and die in order to wax again.  I know that people have dealt with worse than I have, and that worse things are happening to better people, but that doesn't make this any easier.  I have not yet had to experience anything as hard as this in all my 18 years upon this Earth.  I am doing my best not to give in to dark despair and greif, to not fall into old patterns.  I don't want to blame the goddess or any other deity for my grandmother's death, my family's sadness, or my grandfather's impending doom.  I want to handle this as maturely as possible with the acceptance that death doth come for all, and that it must not be feared or the target of my own grief and anger.  Though grieve I do already.

Yesterday, was terrible.  Everyone was devastated except those are desenitised by this kind of death because they've seen it before.  This was the first time that I threw away my pride and just cried.  Every time before  when a tragedy or death has occurred, I have kept my tears inside so I could be the strong one upon which my family could lean.  I made it my duty and my honor to be that for them..which also meant not letting my personal sadness burden them, so I kept it all inside and became angry instead.  Yesterday I was still the strong one..I'm still the strong one, but I let myself cry.  When I walked into the hospital, even before I saw my family I started to cry.  Then my father and grandfather saw me walking around the corner, and I know my father began to cry even more.  I went over to hug him and we cried in unison, him holding my hand tight.  Then he told me to hug my grandfather, he's the one who needs it..and I did.  I held onto him for as long as I could before I let go.  They are by far the most hurt, the most sensitive right now, and with good reason.  But does anyone else know how difficult it is, how heart-wrenching to see their father and grandfather crying so hard, trying to hold it in at points, failing, then whimpering because the pain is so harsh?  I then moved over to the couch to sit between my mother and ailing grandmother. 

My mom's eyes were pink, but she (like my brother) was trying to remain strong for the rest of us, so she was holding her tears in. Grandmother and I hugged for as long as we could, and we talked.  She was calm, happy almost, and we talked about everything she'd be missing.  She'll be missing Christmas, meeting Nicholas, my graduation, my wedding, my first child.  She'll be missing everything thats important.  I wanted her to be there and she won't be.  She was supposed to be there.  She asked me about what kind of wedding I'll have..because she won't be there to see it.  She asked me what color the bridesmaid dresses will be..I told her something light and airy.  It told her it would most be a wedding in the fall as the leaves are falling from the trees, and the ceremony will be held outside in the cool, crisp autumn air.  She warned me of one thing, to never stray from Jesus.  She told me that if I stray from Jesus and die a sinner then I'll go to hell and she'll never see me again, and she just wouldn't be able to bear never seeing me again.  I'm not afraid of hell..I don't even believe in it.  But that speech she gave me struck a deep nerve.  I'm not who she thinks I am, I'm not who she expects me to be.  She has no idea I'm Pagan, and if she did that would make things that much worse for her.  My father broke down as she said all this to me.  H e was weeping so hard and so loud, it was almost unbearable.  He knows I'm Pagan, he knows the truth all the bad things I've done.  But I want her to die with the belief that I am Christian, that I've never done anything wrong, and that I'm perfect (in her eyes).  I want her to die with the image of her little Caitidid playing in her mind.  I won't tell her the truth for her sake and for mine.  She needs to die in peace, and knowing the truth would bring her nothing but more pain.

I finally asked her something that had been playing on my mind all day.  It was something that I had to ask or I would wonder about it for all time.  Earlier in the day I saw an image of her standing before me, younger, healthier, in a long pink gown.  She was just there, watching me, letting me know everything will be alright.  I thought at that point she was dead and had appeared to me in spirit form, but thankfully I was wrong.  I asked her then, "Grandma, do you or did you ever have a long pink gown?"  She said she hadn't, but it was a nice image nonetheless.  She also warned me that she'd be able to see me better from Heaven and that she'd be watching over me always.  She told me that if I ever felt a tap on my shoulder before I did something wrong, that it was her telling me I'm making a mistake.  She's in so much pain though.  She's ready to go, she's looking forward to Peace in Heaven with Jesus as she says.  But my grandfather..my grandfather won't be able to make it long without her.  He will die of grief, and there's no stopping that.  He won't be the same after she's gone.  He wants to die soon, and for his sake alone I hope that happens.  I love my grandfather so much, he's a second father to me, literally.  But I won't be able to bear seeing him in that pain.  He's ready to die and follow grandma.  He wishes he were in her place, but he can't be.  Grandma says that she's going first because Grandpa is stronger than her.  God is taking her first because she'd be worse off than grandpa is now were she the one left behind.  Grandpa broke down..over and over again he lost it.  He says he can't live without her, he's weak, he's not as strong as she is.  Luckily he promised he won't do anything to himself, but he's ready to follow her.  I'm not losing one person, I'm losing them both.  My father is losing both his parents to this.  I don't know how he's working at this moment, as I can't even stay at school for a single day.  Thank the goddess its Friday.  I need this time to grieve with no interruptions and I don't think I could have made it through the week.

I know most people won't understand why this hurts me so much, but others will.  I know a lot of people aren't close to their family members, but my family is.  We're like a big clan.  My grandparents were the head of the family, and with their passing the honor will be passed on to my parents.  Christmas will never be the same, neither will Thanksgiving.  Our extended family will probably move farther and farther apart.  Christmas and Thanksgiving will more than likely be held at my home, because it will just be too hard to have it at Grandma's.  Grandpa wouldn't be able to handle cooking all by himself, I don't think he can even handle living alone, yet alone preparing for a family get together.  My dad will have to take care of his younger brother, we'll have to take care of Cody, we'll have to do everything they did. 

I was and am so overtaken with grief that I can hardly function normally.  Everything seems so juvenile, so futile, so worthless now.  Everything so fake.  It was terrible seeing so many desensitized doctors yesterday.  All of us were in tears, our loved one is dying, but they see that so much it have any effect on them whatsoever.  People don't care, people aren't how they used to be.  But if I seem short or distant lately, this is why.  My family is and has always been tight-knit and close, so when one of us dies (especially one so loved and important) it shakes us all from our very core. 

Today has actually turned out to be one of the worst days of my life.  So many changes are taking place and I'm not the same.

Today while at lunch I got three text messages from Nick.  At the moment my phone vibrated, I immediately saw mom getting a hold of me to tell me that grandma was dead.  Later that afternoon I found out that I was only partially right.  While talking to my mom on the phone on the way to work she revealed to me that my grandmother was going in for stomach work, but also that she only has a few weeks to live.  I started crying at that moment, and knew that I shouldn't go to work, but I did anyways.  I kept in contact with my mom.  I was prepared to walk out of work and be fired.  I couldn't stay there..my grandmother is far more important.  So my aunt talked to our boss for me and I was allowed to leave. 

I spent a few hours at the hospital with my mom, dad, Chase, and grandpa.  Details aren't important enough to write about right now.  Or rather I don't want to share them here.   My grandmother only has a few weeks to live.  If she takes chemo, she can live longer...a few months.  She's dying.  She's actually dying.  My family is a wreck..I'm a wreck.  I'm not only losing her though, I'm also losing my grandfather.  He's going to follow her.  He can't make it without her and even if he doesn't do anything to himself, he'll die of grief soon. 

I'm growing up.  Things that were important aren't, and people I was considering leaving are those that I'm holding on to most right now.  Because now my mindset has shifted, letting my heart have full sway.  I'm not letting go of those I love just because of a few minor difficulties.  I will no longer feel inferior to others.  Thats not important.  None of that is important right now.  What is important is being a rock for my family.  I need to be there for them.  I'm probably going to quit my job, and I've let my parents know that.  I can't continue to work at the daycare..not now.  I'm needed here.  I need to be around my grandmother before she goes.  Family is far more important than money..and everyone understands my decision.

I'm feeling rather melancholy right now.  I just don't know what to do with my life anymore.  I don't know if I should stay here or pursue a life else where.  I just don't know what I want anymore.  I don't know which direction to go.  Funny how I try to figure out my whole life in one night all the time, isn't it?  How I plan and plan and plan and worry even more..and then nothing ever turns out the way I want it to.  I am at the crossroads now, I need help making very important life decisions right now.  I should employ the help of the goddess Hekate.  The goddess of the crossroads and the protectress of witches..she could bring me clarity.  I need answers.  Sometimes it feels like it would be so easy to just walk away and look out only for myself.  Once again I could be on my own, look out for myself and no one else, and focus on my OWN future, instead trying to bend over backwards killing myself for something which may never come.  I could go to school, work, LGHS gatherings, and my social life would be back to normal.  I wouldn't have to worry about anyone else but myself again. 

On the other hand, I could have found true love this time..a love that I may never find again.  What if this is my chance for true love and bliss and my only chance at it.